Tokyo, I love you. You have strange lights that dance in photonic wildfire and capture me. J-pop shines out of trucks and beautiful people shout polite things to strangers in the street. At times I feel lonely and then suddenly Spandau ballet – True comes on whilst I’m eating something I guessed off a kanji menu (turned out to be bacon = score) in the middle of a diner. I’m not usually one to declare something fate… well actually I have soft spot for it, though it’s vastly illogical. Still… This is the sound of my soul.
One evening, I had the somewhat obvious realization, that wherever you go, you still face the same emotive conflicts, wage the same old battles within yourself. This would have been a total downer until I also thought
the same chances for positive change always exist. within yourself. wherever you are.
I’m trying to live cheap at the moment, so last night I stayed in and watched an old black and white film from the late 40’s or something, called “The Amazing Mr X.” Stowed it away on an electronic ship. The aforementioned Mr X says at the end of the film,
” I don’t need a crystal ball to tell that you’re future is bright, China. Don’t you go clinging to the past. I lived by feeding people’s desire to escape the present. But you can’t escape for long.”
I really love that film. As someone that frequently gets lost in the past, and imaginary worlds, reacquiring your sovereignty over the direction of your life, the orientation of your feelings, you’re sense of who you are…
I’m gonna wax lyrical here, I’ll try to keep it hip.
We can blossom if we only let ourselves. We can try to overcome the sometimes collosal weight of the past. We are free when we realise that the past can’t dictate what we may become. If we look at this positively, we can aim to become more compassionate, more loving, more withstanding, more empathic, less desensitized, more human. Music is a harkening to this present moment, with a clear connection to the past.
In real life, the past is often difficult, difficult present becomes difficult past so at some point we each find ourselves at war with the past, how we were, what we could’ve done, etc. As an artist I struggle to move past singular events, it seems impossible sometimes. Such is the weight of emotion.
But, what it’s easy to lose sight of, is that there are always new positive experiences beyond blue horizon.
The future is unknown and ultimately you are, because you are always experiencing, actualising, redefining yourself existentially. You are always more than your regrets. And the present and future are both rich sources of self-cultivation.
I sometimes write for weeks on end harnessing one negative framework. It’s akin to an artisan only painting with the colour blue. I owe it to my past/present/future listeners not to only paint in blue. I have seen some beautiful things and been the recipient of beautiful gifts and second chances beyond words in this life.
If I can conjure my own forgiveness.. my own spirit into music. Hopefully that can express my thanks to everyone and everything that’s improved the way i exist. I want to harmonise my experiences in an integral, honest way. So that’s my new resolution.
I am 5.9 thousands miles from most people I love. They are no further from my thoughts. People I trust, get drunk with, insult, betray, fall over before, make music with, catch trains with. I LOVE YOU.
So thank you to my family and friends. I could never thank you enough.
At time of writing, I haven’t played a real piano in 5 weeks. I have never felt such drive to improvise and record acoustic and electronic music…
So remember, you are always more than your regrets. I believe your best eclipses your worst whenever you try to be a better person. I believe in you. I hope you enjoy the music now that you know the motivation for making it.
Tokyo, I am about a month away from writing lots of synth/piano music and rejuvenating live acoustic performances, if only to spur your advances. X